Negative words can have a damaging effect to your worth – privately and professionally. Most of these words are clearly negative. Some words, however, sound innocent, even kind, but act like negative words.
In this article I’m listing words women frequently use that act like negative words. They actually undermine your power and authority. Take them to heart. And use the alternatives that help you convey confidence, clarity, and professionalism.
1. Negative word that downplays your worth: Just
The word “just” is often used to soften statements, making requests feel less important or downplaying your role in a process. You might catch yourself saying, “I just wanted to check in” or “I’m just a researcher.”
While humility is a strength and expected of a woman, downplaying your contribution with four letters may influence others to think less of you. When you’re afraid that you come on too strong and not being liked, you can communicate the “niceness” of you through your non-verbal communication, such as tone of voice, open stance and smile.
The word “just” is a negative word that does not do you justice. When you drop “just,” your statement becomes more direct and confident, reinforcing that you’re here to contribute, not apologise.
Example
- Instead of: “I just wanted to ask if the report is ready.”
- Try: “I’m wondering if the report is ready?”
- Or: “Can you give me an update about the status of the report?”
2. Negative word harming your self worth: “Should”
Using “should” often reflects society’s expectations. And some expectations you may have internalised, for example: “I should have a clean desk”, “I should do more yoga”.
To sum up, what you’re implying here is: “I should be perfect”.
And perfect is the one thing you shouldn’t be, in my opinion.
Focus on what’s genuinely important to you. What is absolutely necessary when it comes to self-care? What is achievable for you when it comes to other responsibilities? And which career ambitions can you strive for at this point in your life? Overusing the word “should” and you’re only amping up the pressure you put on yourself.
Replace the word “should” with “could” to open up the world of possibility. You can take society’s expectations and your own wishes into account. With “could” you can make a choice based on your own priorities.
Replacing “should” with phrases like “I plan” lets you own your decisions and take responsibility for your actions without feeling constrained by outside pressures.
Example
- Instead of: “I should go to the gym more often.”
- Try: “I could finish this project tonight and then I could go to the gym tomorrow evening”.
- Or: “I plan to go to the gym and* sign up for the spinning class right now”.
*and is a power word, see the headline about “but”.
Tip: whenever you catch yourself saying “should”. Ask yourself “do I really?”
3. Negative word that’s many women use too often: “Sorry”
Many of us have a habit of saying “sorry” for things that don’t require an apology, like asking a question or simply sharing an opinion. Or even when someone else bumps into at the supermarket. For women, sorry truly is a negative word. Use it with thoughtfully.
Here’s a sorry story illustrating how strongly I feel about kicking sorry to the curb:
On a Christmas break friends and I went skiing. One of them was a lawyer, who slipped on the slopes and crashed right into me. I was hurt badly. He refused to apologise for the accident. A mutual friend explained the odd behaviour: a lawyer never apologises.
That New Year’s Eve I made the resolution not to say sorry for a year. So, in 2009, I had not said sorry at all. I did give three well-meant apologies. But the word sorry, I didn’t say.
Apologising without a real cause can send a subtle message that you’re hesitant or don’t matter. Save apologies for when they’re genuinely called for and you’re actually feeling guilty.
Keep the apology to your faulty action. I often hear women apologise for situations beyond their control or unintentional consequences. For example, if you mistakenly thought the deadline was Thursday, not Wednesday, you can say “I’m sorry I had misunderstood the message”. No need to apologise for the delay of the project, others were involved too, right? And perhaps, the message was unclear. Keep your sorry’s scarce.
How to rephrase a sorry with authority
Replace sorry with “Thank you”:
- Instead of: “Sorry for being late”
- Try: “Thank you for waiting”
By avoiding unnecessary apologies, you communicate confidence in your right to participate and contribute without needing to apologise for it. Again, don’t forget very pleasant non-verbal communication to remain likeable; it’s oh-so important for ambitious women.
4. Negative word combination to avoid: “Does that make sense?”
“Does that make sense?” is a phrase you might use to check if others understand you. However it can come across as if you’re doubting yourself. This hurts your image as an expert or professional. So in that way, it is a negative word combination to avoid in the work place.
A better approach is to engage in Power Talk. Refine your question. What kind of response are you longing for? From whom? And restate your objective. Examples:
- Does anyone foresee any difficulty with their individual time schedule on the day of the event?
- Who has something to add to this proposal to enlarge the chances of getting the deal?
You’re giving the other person the opportunity to engage and ask questions, but without implying that you’re unsure of your explanation.
5. From “but” to “yes, and” improve conversation outcomes
The word “but” is a negative word that can create a subtle sense of opposition. Using “but” can come across as if you’re dismissing what’s been said before you. The person can feel undermined, misunderstood and unappreciated.
Replace the “but” with “yes, and”. It is a simple way to acknowledge the other person’s point of view while still contributing your own ideas. You make the person feel heard. It conveys that you’re building further upon his line of thought.
“Yes and” keeps the conversation positive and collaborative.
Example in which you’re actually saying the same:
- Instead of: “I see your point, but I think we should try a different approach.”
- Try: “I see your point, and we can also try this approach.”
Using “yes, and” creates a sense of openness and collaboration, helping you contribute your ideas without seeming dismissive.
Talk to yourself as if you’re talking to a friend
When it comes to talking to yourself, an overtly negative word is: stupid. Talk to yourself the way you talk to a friend. That is, with compassion. With an eye for the context.
Would you call your friend “stupid” if she forgot or dropped something? Surely not. What would you say to her? Try to remember that the next time you’re not fully in control of a situation.
In short, don’t call yourself stupid. Call yourself a failing perfectionist if you must. And also read this post and reconsider if you want to be a perfectionist.
Last tip for female leaders: Verbal power talk, non-verbal kindness
Moving up the corporate ladder is hard for women. The rules for (aspiring) female leaders are unclear at best, impossible at their worst.
For example: we can’t show authority as that’ll make us difficult to work with, headstrong and arrogant. And we need to have authority to be able lead and show that we belong in the room.
Your choice of language can help you positioning yourself as a female leader. In addition to avoiding the negative words listed in the post, use powerful positive words. With your body language highlight your warmness and kindness – qualities people continue to expect from women. It’s unfair, I know. We can change these stupid* rules when there are enough women in the board room.
*Here the use of the word stupid is justified.
